Sonnet I

When I close my eyes I see your sweet face,
Not even the sun’s warm rays can compare.
I often dream of your loving embrace,
A life without you I just could not bear.

I love you more than I could ever say,
You fill my whole world with such joy and light.
The love you have shown me brightens my day,
Could anything be more complete, more right?

The love I feel for you will never die,
Never, for as long as I am alive.
If I leave this world before you, don’t cry,
I will wait for you on the other side.

I will love you until the very end,
My forever love, my forever friend.

Wildness

Someone who is wild
never feels sorry for themselves
Even cold tired hungry and alone
Someone who is wild
Always looks ahead, that's why
We never feel sorry for ourselves

The way I feel With You.

You are the greatest soul on earth,
and now I have your love.
So every time I feel your touch,
I thank the stars above.

Because I never feel the way
I feel when Im with you.
No matter what I do or say,
I hope you know its true.

I feel as if I am so lost
if I can’t hear your voice.
Its almost if I cant think straight
I do not have a choice.

I try so hard to keep my self,
from longing for you now.
But I cant find another way,
I really don’t know how.

And when I cannot contact you
or feel your loving hug.
I feel like I am sick with pain,
withdrawing from a drug.

I know that you don’t feel the same
and probably never will.
But I cant stop the way I feel,
not even with a pill.

So now that I can’t talk to you.
I’m wracked with hurt and pain.
I know that I wont be the same,
until we speak again.

Like a Dream

I like it when I dream. When I dream I can see him. But, only when I dream. I can close my eyes as hard as I like and never see his face. Its only when I dream. The dreams come fast and few.

His face, his face, his beautiful face. His pale green eyes. His soft blue-black curls. Those crazy curls. Yes, I can see them when I dream. But, oh those damn eyes. Forever singing into mine the lull of a thousand cooing angels. He kills me with those eyes.

The warmth of the sun is always in the dreams. I don’t know why, but it’s there. It melts my cheeks and rolls waves of chills down my back. That warm comforting sun. He loves the sunshine. The beaming glare and the way it forces your eyes to squint. We spend all day in that sun.

He always lays his head in my lap and lets me stroke his curls. The glow of the sun catching the bluish hues in his perfectly dark strands. Those curls that wrap around my finger like an infant’s tiny fist. Weaving them rhythmically like ribbons through a ballerina's legs. Yes, I can feel those baby soft curls.

I wake with an empty heart and a blank memory. I can no longer see his face. Those pale green eyes. That blue-black hair. I can no longer feel anything. His heavy head in my lap. That sun kissing my face. It was all just a dream. He is just a dream.

Love Has Gone Away

Today's another day I guess,
no different than the rest.
The one I loved has gone away,
so this one is a test.

To see if I might stay as strong,
as I'm required to be,
and be the one who makes the grade,
as it pertains to me.

For if I cannot love myself,
and live the fullest way,
then how could I love someone else,
and hope that they might stay?

I really must compose myself,
To get me through this rough.
I have to take that second shot,
I've got to remain tough.

For if I hope to hit that green,
or even get it close.
I'll keep my eye upon the ball,
and trust the club I chose.

And I may choose a metaphor,
to help me figure out,
there are some things I need to change,
of this there is no doubt.

For I can never be a friend,
the kind I want to be
if I don't do the things I must,
especially for me.

Part of Me

I thank the Lord for letting me
meet someone just like you.
I know He’d never steer me wrong
to me He’s always true.

For you’re the one who gives to me
such happiness and bliss.
I really love to hold your hand,
and taste your loving kiss.

I only hope that we can be
together through and through.
Because I only want to spend,
my life right here with you.

I hope that you can understand,
you mean the world to me.
And you have graced my life with joy,
I love you, can’t you see?

You are the one I want to have,
until the end of days.
The one who makes my life complete,
who never goes away.

And even if it comes to pass,
that we can never be.
I’ll always be a part of you,
and you a part of me.

Golden fire in my dreams

Written: Oct-19-2014

The nights are becoming more and more lonesome.
I think if the t.v. wasn't constantly on I would
go insane.
Almost did 6 months ago when I became so fed up with
the idiot box and video games I
quit for a week.
Found myself burning old flowers I bought for my ex.
Burned them up with her lighter on the porch
then threw playing cards off the balcony.
I thought of visions
visions of myself setting my living room on fire
and watch the possessions I bought with my dead aunt's money
burn, melt, and crackle.
Watch my nothing life transform into smoke
while Presley meows and eats his cat food.
I would sit and watch my ex yell at the cat while
shaking with a fit of rage, spewing spit as if she was a dog
on rabies.
Meow! Meow! Meow!
"SHUT UP!!!"
I would hit the mute button and stare at the cat while she
held onto the kitchen sink shaking violently as if on a
roller coaster ride.
While watching t.v. tonight I think on the fire
The golden fire that reaches up quickly
like a hanged man grabbing upward to untie his feet
before the lava tar takes his skin.
My aunt is in hades and I became rich for 2 years.
The electric bill
the internet bill
rent.
Would've gladly traded it all to hear God's sweet comfort
telling me gently of her being part of the elect.
Tonight I prayed for Jesus to stop my heart while watching the
x files.
Prayed that Jesus would take my life permanently for the
4th time
yet I lay here in bed
2:44 am.
in a clean and well pressed apartment.
God always has other plans and I don't blame him.
Tonight I would've turned on my fan and closed my eyes but my
ex took the fan.
Last week I took the gun that my father bought me for my birthday
unloaded
placed the barrel against my right temple
and pulled the trigger several times.
Not tonight.
Insomnia will have his way again.
I'll put away the fantasies
put away the ritualistic black raven fire and ignites and
stays lit in my dreams.
Sleep deeply and think of better things in a better place.
Though church was wonderful this morning
They're feeding the homeless and the old woman said on the
pulpit they need 30 dollars.
I'll walk in next Sunday with the
food prepared.

See

I don’t know why!
Yet I do!?!
I was there for 6 years.
I see them
I see her
Plotting, planning, preparing
Has if a war is coming.
And who know? There might be.
I see him
Avoiding, dodging, hiding.
I can’t help but sourly grin, when I see this.
We’ve all been there for some reason.
Like a car crash I can’t help but watch helplessly
See them crash.

Torn

Torn what can I say, by a vision of memories or future in play
Torn like a thief , have I taken what's yours
Have I borrowed what's mine, or just closing doors
Torn like a fool, do I know where I've turned
Do you know where to go ?, or have

those bridges been burned .
Torn like a dream Is it fiction made fact
Is it longing filled with hope ?not a bargain we can pact .
Torn like the stars am I close or far away , who's to say
Helpless and unknowing of what May leave or stay .
Torn like a cheat , have I conned, tricked or stole
Is their reason for treason that mocks what can't be whole.
Torn like a liar have I spoken things untrue
Decipher that it's meaning is more meaningful to you
Torn like a lover , who's fate is mingled with yours
I look into those eyes .. That face I've known before .
Torn with remorse , is their sorrow for me too ?
Can I appease a promise to turn a leaf a new.
Torn no more , is their peace we can find
Can we mingle with serenity and mellow the mind .
Love .....that cannot be torn
Unending yet everchanging it's purness be reborn .
Surrender thy self , thy heart and soul
And to be torn is to become whole

Leaving Regret Right in my lap

Blank mind teeming with Ideas;

Ideas of greatness and heroism

Intentions, imagination, imperceptible lessons

that we will learn from,

only in our distant future.

Here I am,

burdened with ignorance unable to interpret.

I'm a sailor lost as sea with land nowhere in sight.

I'm a boxer in a 19-year match with no trainer hosing me down with liquid hope.

I need someone screaming in my ear to wake me up, and that someone was Her.

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This isn't meant for anyone specific, this girl will and always will remain anonymous.

She knows whom I'm referring to.

Bitch.

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What might have been lost in the graciousness of every step she took?

The way Her hair fell just below Her cheek bones.

The most perfect sunrise seemed as a dull light compared to waking up next to Her and seeing Her glowing face.

As I'm standing here,

Not just remembering, but feeling Her presence next to me.

Seconds later I'd wake up and return to the shitty life I created for myself.

This isn't a poem of wanting Her back;

this is a poem to remind myself not to think of Her aura that trailed behind me everywhere I went.

For once in my life, I'm okay with that.

This is the last time I'm going to let Her take advantage of my life.

I can rely on the pills for an escape, but the eminent reality kicks in and I'm lost

I knew every detail of Her, and now it’s time to wake up from this love-induced coma.

Slip a couple more pills to avoid my approaching reality.

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Now here I am. Stuck between both realities I am creating.

One where I can rest on the fact that these little pink pills can

alter my mind permanently.

My haven, I return to, my own Psychotic Oasis.

I could spend the rest of my days in that life...

And the other where my earthly duties appear as if I didn't know they were there already.

This true reality where avoidance, guilt, pain, and endless suffering occur.

It's inevitable.

I watch that long brown tress bounce ever so softly just above Her cheek

while she walks to class.

She's completely expunged me from Her mind.

All I've known since childhood was pain; it was covered by pointless games,

coached by greedy humans,

I was okay with living in my psychotic haven, because in that field of opportunity I'm with Her

in my head, my fucked and twisted head; I'm grateful.

I'm letting Her ethereal aura trail behind me,

until another comes to relieve Her of the chore she's left me with.

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